Joanna knew she had a favorite child from the moment the second was born.
The mother lives in Kent, UK, and says she loves her two children, but the youngest he just “understands” her in a way that her firstborn doesn’t.
When Joanna’s first baby was born, he was taken away quickly due to a health problem and she couldn’t see him for 24 hours.
Missing that valuable period of bonding, she believes, was the beginning of a lasting preference for her second child, with whom she was able to spend time immediately after his birth.
“To summarize our relationships: I have to ask you out on a date to talk to my oldest son”, says Joanna, whose full name is being withheld to protect her children.
“I could call my youngest son at 2: 30 am and would drive kilometers to find get in with me He is the nicest guy on the planet. He is affectionate, generous, courteous and friendly. She is the type of person who would help anyone,” she says.
Although she fought her feelings for years, Joanna says that he already accepted it.
“I could write a book about why I love one more than the other”, he assures. “It’s been hard, but it’s not my fault”.
Unlike Joanna, the favoritism of most parents is subtle and goes unnoticed.
Having a favorite child may be the biggest taboo in parenthood, but research show that most parents do.
With much evidence suggesting that being the underdog can fundamentally shape personality and lead to intense sibling rivalries, it’s no wonder that parents worry about blurting out their preferences.
However, research also shows that most children cannot tell who their parents’ favorite child really is. The real issue, then, is how parents deal with their children’s perception of favoritism.
Preferred by the father and mother
“Not all parents have a favorite child, but many do”, says Jessica Griffin, associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, United States.
“The data suggest that mothers in particular show favoritism towards children who have values similar to theirs and who are more involved with the family, over qualities such as being very ambitious or motivated by their career”, she adds.
Regardless of the reason, some research shows that many parents almost certainly have favorites, whether they admit it or not . One study showed that up to 60% of the mothers and the 70% of parents in the UK show preferential treatment towards one of the children.
However, for the majority the subject is still out of the question.
In another investigation, when the parents were surveyed, only the 10% admitted to having a favorite child, suggesting that for most mothers and fathers, children Feelings of favoritism remain a closely guarded family secret.
Research suggests that when parents admit to having a preferred child, birth order plays an important role.
According In that same YouGov survey, parents who admitted to having a favorite child showed an overwhelming preference for for the minor: a 45% of them.
The 43% of parents with 3 or more children prefer the last child, with a third selecting the middle child and only the 19% leans towards the older.
Vijayeti Sinh is a clinical psychologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York.
The specialist says that a favoritism towards a younger child often has to do with the social and emotional skills associated with birth order: as parents get more practice in parenting, they have a better idea of how they want to shape childhood of their children and what attributes are most important to transmit.
“Parents tend to favor a child who is more like them, reminds them of themselves or represents what they see as a parenting success,” she adds.
“Younger children are more likely to have been raised by a parent who, with time and experience, has more confidence and skill in parenting of their children”.
”Bad” parenting?
Although the parents often have a favourite, many are wracked with guilt, knowing that showing a preference will have a lasting impact on their children’s self-esteem.
The concern is not entirely unfounded.
“Children who grow up in families where they feel they are treated unfairly can experience a deep sense of not being worthy (of appreciation)”, says Sinh.
“You can feel that they are not loved in some way, or that they do not possess the special traits and characteristics necessary to be loved by others. Feeling like the black sheep of the family can generate fears and insecurities: children can become self-protective and try to be too kind and nice to others”, he explains.
But for most parents, their concerns are in the wrong place.
The evidence suggests that, at Unless the preferential treatment is very extreme, most children are not affected by being the underdog.
“Sometimes parents are blatantly obvious in their display of love and affection“, says Sinh.
“But when parents are aware and attentive and do everything possible to make sure that any feeling of closeness or sympathy is not simple and clear, children do not they feel that they do not mer get the love and support of their parents.”
In fact, in most cases, children may not even know that their parents prefer their brother or sister.
In one study, when people who said their parents had a favorite child were surveyed, a staggering 4 out of 5 said the sibling was the favorite, a statistic apparently unlikely.
Other studies have shown that children incorrectly identify who is the favorite more than 55% of the time.
Of course, it is possible that parents are hiding their preferences much better than expected.
Or, as Griffin suggests, we’re just really bad at guessing who’s really the favourite.
“Although you might think that children instinctively know if their parents Some have a favorite child and who is, the data is surprising”, he says.
“Children may assume that the firstborn or the ‘baby’ of the family is the favourite, or the one who stands out in the family and causes less parenting stress. While, in reality, the father or mother may have different and varied reasons for favoritism, such as favoring the one who fights the most or the one who is most similar to them”.
Griffin argues that it is perfectly fine and even to be expected that parents have favorites, and that they should not feel guilty if they feel closer to one child than another.
The specialist says that although children who believe they are the least favored tend to have lower self-esteem and higher rates of depression, in most cases, they have no idea which sibling their parents prefer.
Maybe who it is really the favorite child is not so important after all.
No less love
Griffin discovered that the conundrum of the favorite son has appeared in both his professional and personal life: his three children joke with each other. constantly about which one it will be.
Although he recommends that parents or children who discover that favoritism is affecting their relationships or their mental health talk to a pediatrician or a mental health specialist, he believes that most imbalances can be addressed with simple tactics that demonstrate care and attention.
Griffin says that while parents may not readily admit favoritism, they certainly won’t be alone if they feel closer of one child than another.
Most mothers and fathers have favorites, and that’s okay.
“ There will be days when we prefer to be closer to one than the other, for different reasons,” she says. “The important thing is to remember that having a favorite child does not mean that you love your other children less.”
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