Why is it difficult for us to make friends as adults?

Loneliness can quietly grow around you and is worth taking seriously. Evidence today suggests that chronic loneliness can be lethal – an impact equivalent to 10 cigarettes per day, according to mortality rates.

But It’s not just you, either. In many countries, loneliness is of epidemic proportions. And that was before the Covid-19 will make it difficult for us to see each other with our friends.

The challenge of trust

Before the pandemic, about a third of Australians reported experiencing at least one episode of loneliness.

Since covid brought widespread disruption to our work and social lives, loneliness has skyrocketed.

Now surveys find that more than half (50%) of the Australians report experiencing increased loneliness since the start of the pandemic.

So, as we move closer to a new post-Covid normal, it’s worth taking stock of your friendships and evaluating if you feel that your vine a social is ok or if you need a little help.

In a recent study, when researchers interviewed adults about making friends, they cited a lack of trust as the biggest challenge.

That is, people found it more difficult to trust someone new and fully invest in them as friends compared to when they were younger.

Perhaps that is why many people try to keep their circle of old friends as long as possible, as well as the trust they may have built over many years.

But for whom was it more difficult? Women were more likely than men to say they didn’t make new friends easily because they had a hard time trusting others.

So what about adulthood? Well, as adults, we have a greater awareness of ourselves than when we were children.

Although this is usually positive, it also means that we are more aware of the risks of being judged by others, of to dislike, to be rejected and to be hurt. Or maybe it just means we’ve been through high school and have 20 years.

If we have had previous rejections as friends or suffered a breach of trust, we may find it more difficult to trust others in the future. Trusting a new friend means opening up and being vulnerable, just like we do in relationships.

Friendship needs time

After the topic of trust, follows the topic of time. “Lack of time” was the second most common reason people gave when asked why it was difficult for them to make friends as adults.

This is not news to many of us. When we have demanding work schedules, busy family lives, or a combination of both, our time to invest in friendships decreases.

Even when we meet a promising new friend, it can be hard to find time to invest in it. This is a worse problem for older adults, since most people find that their obligations increase with age.

So how long does it really take to make friends? It should come as no surprise that close friendships take longer than casual ones.

American researchers have tried to quantify this, estimating that it takes approximately 50 hours of shared contact to pass from acquaintances to casual friends. And to be a close friend? More of 200 hours.

In addition, the hours spent together must be of quality. While you may spend time with your co-workers, professional interactions don’t count for much.

To develop a new friendship you need a personal connection. It doesn’t have to be an intimate conversation to strengthen a friendship, casual encounters and jokes can be just as important.

There are many other barriers that prevent us from having the friendships we want. This may include having an introverted personality, health problems, personal insecurities, or maintaining a formal facade and not letting potential friends in.

Older people are more likely to mention the disease and disability as a barrier to socializing, while younger adults are more likely to hold back due to introversion and fear of rejection.

How can we get better at making friends as adults?

It is entirely possible to overcome these barriers as adults and build meaningful and lasting friendships. We don’t have to accept loneliness as inevitable.

And while you may think that everyone else has a great social life, remember that loneliness is widespread.

So how do you do it?

• Build friendships during 10 minutes per day.

You don’t have to be climbing mountains or bonding intensely through a shared hobby to solidify a new friendship. By putting in ten minutes a day, you can maintain existing friendships and build new ones. Send a text message, forward a meme, add them to group chat, or quickly call someone. Don’t get caught up in the amount of effort, energy, and time that goes into building friendships. Ten minutes a day may be all you need.

• Make the most of any quality time

When you can properly spend time with a friend or acquaintance, make the most of it. Avoid distractions if possible, leave Instagram for the couch at home and stay present with your new friend.

Lean on your vulnerability

We are often scared by the idea of ​​being vulnerable. I think we should accept it. Remember that you are in control of how much you trust and how open you are. If you have issues with trust, consider sharing personal information slowly, rather than all at once.

Yes, there is a risk of being vulnerable, but there is also a possibility of connecting on a meaningful level with another person you may very well become a good friend. And that is a good reward.

*Anastasia Hronis is a Clinical Psychologist from the University of Technology Sydney. This note originally appeared on The Conversation and is published here under a Creative Commons license.

Read the original article here.

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