Even before having her first child, Libby Ward knew what kind of mother she wanted to be.
Patient. Loving. Proactive
But her hopes went further, especially when she looked at the mothers in her social circle. I also wanted to emulate them in other ways: home-cooked meals, spotless houses, nap times.
When she had her daughter in 2015, Ward found herself, for the most part, able to be a mother as she had hoped.
Two years later she had her son and had trouble breastfeeding him. The baby did not sleep more than two hours at a time. He seemed to be in pain.
“I felt like I couldn’t meet his needs for food, sleep or comfort,” says Ward, who lives in Ontario, Canada.
“I couldn’t live up to the standards I had set for myself. And everything just fell apart,” she adds.
More than anything, she felt rage. Her resentment spilled over to her partner, her children, and even complete strangers; anyone who seemed to be having an easier time than her. She then felt ashamed for feeling that way.
“It took about five months of being the mother of two children when I finally looked in the mirror and couldn’t recognize myself physically, emotionally and mentally,” says Ward. “I said, ‘This is not me. This is not who I am. She is not who I want to be. It’s not who I expected it to be.’”
Ambivalence
I was experiencing a sensation experienced by many, but about which few speak: maternal ambivalence.
Defined as feeling complex, often contradictory emotions around motherhood, ambivalence has nothing to do with a lack of love for a child.
In fact, mothers Those who identify as ambivalent tend to be clear that they would do anything for their children, so much so that for many, the worry, stress, and fear they feel for their children is part of why they find being a mother so challenging.
But they can also feel anger , resentment, apathy, boredom, anxiety, guilt, sorrow or even hatred, emotions that most people do not associate with motherhood, much less with being a “good” mother.
The mix of emotions is not surprising. Being a mother is, after all, an emotional task that requires a lot of time and work, and that means a fundamental change in one’s identity, as well as often difficult physiological changes.
Some things do that maternal ambivalence today is a little different and, most likely, more difficult to navigate.
First are the often unrealistic standards of what it means to be a “good” mother, further heightened by information overload and comparison provided by the parenting advice industry, the internet and social media.
Second is the shame and stigma felt by many mothers – in a culture that cherishes proverbs such as ‘Treasure every moment! !’– for even broaching the subject.
Mothers can be allowed to say that parenting is difficult, but it is much more taboo to say that they don’t necessarily enjoy the role.
Even if they don’t talk about it, many moms feel mixed emotions about the maternity. (Photo: GETTY IMAGES)
The paradox of motherhood
“Maternal ambivalence is about embracing the ‘and’” , says Sophie Brock, a motherhood studies sociologist in Sydney, Australia, and host of the podcast The Good Enough Mother
.
“We are in as many paradoxes as mothers, and ambivalence says: ‘Actually I feel both.’”
Ambivalence can be confused with, or coexist with, postpartum depression or anxiety. And if left unexpressed, ambivalence can increase the risk of poorer mental health, so it’s always important to seek professional help when in doubt.
But for the most part, maternal ambivalence it’s normal and healthy, say researchers and psychologists.
“Almost all of the (mothers) I talk to who feel safe enough to share their true experience have mixed feelings about their role,” says Kate Borsato, a therapist in British Columbia, Canada, who focuses on maternal mental health.
“And this makes sense to me. Their lives have changed a lot. Their sense of self-confidence, the way they spend their time, what they think, everything is different”, he adds.
The struggle to be “good”
Motherhood has always been hard. But today’s particular pressures can make it even more difficult.
Unlike in the first half of the 20th century, mothers are now expected to give “everything” to their children in terms of their time, work and emotional, mental and economic resources, while maintaining high performance at work and in relationships.
In 81, this cultural construction of maternity received a label that endured: intensive maternity.
To make matters worse, women are struggling to live up to this ideal at a time when state support for parents has not kept up with the demands of modern life.
“All mothers already know: we are overburdened, bearing most of the emotional work, enduring most of the domestic sphere, the pressures of paid work”, says Brock.
“And then we’re expected to put up a mask of ‘I’ve got this all under control. I am the perfect mother. I’m not fighting,’” he says.
To Alecia Carey, from 33 years old, mother of two children who works in political philanthropy in Boston, Massachusetts, maternal ambivalence began even during pregnancy, which is not unusual.
“When I got pregnant, I felt like I was demoted from human to female. The people I worked with, all they would tell me was that I was pregnant. It was the only thing about me. It became my whole personality. I hated that,” she recalls.
The shift to motherhood has been especially hard to adjust to, she says, after spending much of her life developing her own career, social circle, and personal interests and aspirations, something that past generations of mothers, who tended to become younger mothers, may not have experienced as fully.
Lizzie Laing, of years old and from England, says she didn’t feel prepared for the transformations brought about by motherhood either, and that seeing other mothers apparently having a better time made her feel worse.
“You are mourning the ease of your old life and the relationship with your partner,” he explains.
“And you see other people who are just going crazy. I felt like I was on a different planet from everyone else, really struggling.”
Carey also felt alone in her experience. “I felt like I had just been taken out of our social circle because I was pregnant,” she recounts.
“It isolated me a lot, and it isolated me even more due to the fact that on the internet, and in social circles, these mothers, everyone seems to love it, enjoy it and feel satisfied. I found everything uncomfortable and isolating, and was plagued with anxiety the whole time.”
Another challenge is the expectations about how children are ‘supposed’ to act, something that is often considered to be reflects on the woman’s own abilities as a mother.
The proliferation of idealized representations of motherhood can perpetuate unrealistic standards for mothers. (Photo: GETTY IMAGES)
“Motherhood was all I ever wanted for my life,” says Emily Whalley, an English mother of 24 years she had her first child in 81 and the second in 2015. “It’s very hard to admit that I don’t really enjoy it as much as I’d like to,” he continues.
Laing’s misconceptions about how babies behave also “robbed him of joy,” he says .
Family tradition and media representations convinced her that a newborn would sleep most of the day, giving them time to deal with chores or work, and that babies babies fell asleep by themselves.
“Am I missing a part?”
It’s common to feel shame and guilt about not feeling satisfied with motherhood.
When digital creator Jessica Rose Schrody said she regretted motherhood in a recent podcast, the 63% of responses were from other women who felt the same way. Although she has also received rejection.
In particular, she remembers a video that someone made saying how horrible it must be to be her daughter. To over 30. people liked the video, says Schrody.
He cared. She maybe she shouldn’t be open about her feelings. Like most other mothers, despite making it clear that, as she says in the podcast, she doesn’t regret her daughter but the role, her biggest concern is that her daughter’s feelings will be hurt.
Of course, it’s not just women who share their feelings publicly who feel guilt and shame; many end up going through these emotions in silence.
“I expected the first weeks and months of becoming a mother to be the best of my life,” says Kayleigh Thomas, English from 24 years. “Then I felt bad because I wasn’t following what I had seen on the internet or what I had read about.”
Including mothers who have deliberately tried After letting go of expectations, like Carey, they still feel guilt creeping in.
Carey didn’t allow herself to feel “obvious ‘mommy guilt’” for things like going out to dinner with her husband or take a childless vacation, he says. But when she recently went on a trip with her husband, a friend sent her a text saying, “Don’t you miss your daughter?”
“I was like, ‘ No,’” she says. “So I thought, ‘Am I horrible? Am I a serial killer? Am I missing a part where I’m supposed to throw everything out the window and just embrace this new personality and set of interests?’ I don’t feel capable of doing that, and I feel offended that they ask me to. They don’t ask my husband for it.”
It is common for mothers to criticize themselves for their ambivalence, which is “just adding more pain to an already difficult situation,” says Borsato. “It is already difficult to contain all these emotions. It is not necessary to accumulate more criticism, more jui and more negative feelings.”
And the downside of women keeping quiet, adds Borsato, is that if a mother is open about her feelings, she is likely to feel less alone and less self-critical . Not doing so can lead to darker places, such as depression.
Some mothers find that they lose their identities during the transition to motherhood, and find it difficult to hold on to the person they were before their children. (Photo: GETTY IMAGES)
“Common experiences”
Although much shame remains around the idea of maternal ambivalence , the conversation is slowly changing.
Some women have dedicated their careers to helping others have a happier experience of motherhood , and knowing that not feeling joy all the time is okay too.
After struggling with her own role as a mother, Borsato, for example, found her purpose in helping others prioritize their mental health .
Others have pledged to lift the stigma around talking about it.
Schrody was touched by the negative feedback he had. But she has continued to speak about her experience, hoping to show other mothers that it is okay to have mixed feelings about motherhood.
“What is perfectly in line with a misogynistic society is the idea of that ‘you should be much quieter about this,’” she says.
Ward began sharing her motherhood experience on TikTok in March of 127925233. Six months later, he launched a sister account on Instagram.
The women tell him that they had not noticed that other people they found it so difficult to be parents, or that they thought that their feelings meant that they were bad mothers.
“The moms that I tried to emulate, whom I admired at first, I realized that I never They talked about the difficult things. They didn’t talk about the lack of sleep, the shame, how they yelled at their children. I felt completely alone and isolated,” she says.
“It wasn’t until I started sharing it that I realized they were common experiences.”
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