Our relationships will depend on how we relate to our parents in childhood. If the attachment was good, we will have an emotionally secure person. Emotional stability and security are determined by these first experiences. There are variables: secure people, without fear of closeness and intimacy, or evasive and anxious, with serious difficulties in establishing healthy and functional relationships.
The avoidant person feels uncomfortable in intimate relationships, has a hard time trusting, and hates the idea of being dependent on someone, be it emotionally or financially. They fear proximity, they do not feel comfortable with intimacy. Their partners want more intimacy than they can give them. For them, independence and self-sufficiency are very important. In times of stress, they tend to seek less support from their partners.
Although they give little, ask for little and flee from intimacy, it does not mean that they do not want all three. They simply defend themselves, because they expect to be rejected sooner or later. They appear to have a great capacity to be alone, they hide a false autonomy; they seek solitude, but do not enjoy it.
They tend to have formal and distant relationships, and are very polite and kind, as they control themselves and do not show anger, anger or rage. It is difficult for them to express feelings. They can’t stand to see their partner cry or scream. If they find reasons to break up, they do so abruptly. They avoid physical contact; kisses and caresses bother him.
The elusive lover runs away from commitment. Not because he doesn’t want it, but because deep down he’s terrified of being rejected or abandoned. Many get married, but never fully surrender, they build emotional walls. They throw themselves into their work, into some addiction or they always remain reserved and cold. Some examples of this type of emotional barriers: anger, silence, false maturity, distractions, infidelity.
In some cases, infidelity appears when the evasive is discovered depending too much on his beloved. She can feel in the hands of her partner, and she will resort to a third party to avoid feeling vulnerable. He fears intimacy because he has been abused in childhood (abandonment or emotional distance), and associates it with pain.
The evasive is unfaithful for a matter of soul, more than body: he fears being too dependent on the loved one. If his partner is also evasive, but is legitimized by marriage or cohabitation, he will feel comfortable. If her partner is not evasive and tires of this distance, then the evasive will pursue her when she fears abandonment. If it’s the safe partner who leaves, he won’t be able to keep her. But if it’s an anxious partner, he’s in a vicious circle.
Avoidant adults remember their parents as cold, rejecting, and never available.
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