I always remember a case from my program “Who is right”, which shows how children recycle our behavior. The mother would not stop crying because her daughter was in love with a man “just like her father”. She begged me to “convince” her to leave that boyfriend, who is a criminal, according to her perception. It is the portrait of her ex-husband, who was also imprisoned and was finally deported from the country.
The mother felt anguished to think that her beloved daughter could go through everything she went through. The reality is that we pass on unresolved conflicts from our families of origin, that is, mom and dad, to our relationship as a couple. We recycle behavior, dysfunctions, rules, and codes from one family to the next.
We have said it many times: love=home. Whether we like it or not, what we have experienced at home defines our relationship, unless we go to therapy and work on unresolved childhood issues. That lady, in an effort to help her daughter, is taking her away from her. And, therefore, she brings her closer to her boyfriend.
After that case, a desperate father came to us because his daughter refused to speak to him and never tired of saying that she has no father. When the young woman was three years old, while her father was imprisoned in Cuba for political reasons, her wife took her to Miami. As soon as they got there, she didn’t hear from either of them. He had not given her her last name, precisely to avoid political persecution against her.
When he was released from prison many years later, he arrived in Miami on a raft, facing the sea and its dangers. He searched for them like crazy, but he found out that his mother had died and his daughter hated him. It was very difficult to get him to at least agree to listen to him and start a forgiveness process. It was really heartbreaking to see how he cried and he repeated: “I don’t have a father.” His mom had told him that she had abandoned her and she had refused to give him her last name.
Just as we already know that love=home, we also know that father figures are untouchable. If you want to ruin the life of a child, all you have to do is destroy the image of one of its parents. We are not only the biological result of the union of a sperm and an ovum, but also the psychological result of the paternal and maternal image.
We inherit them biologically, but also psychologically, emotionally, familially, sexually, and much more. No one has the right to mark or harm a human being forever. I am sure that 90% of parents do it out of ignorance, or because they recycle behaviors and conflicts that drag them on. Enough of so much pain and irresponsibility.
We are not guilty of recycling behavior, but we do need to seek help to stop the snowball. For this reason, it is not true that only crazy people go to a psychologist. Crazy, irresponsible and fearful are those who evade resolving their pending issues and pass the mess —and not clothes— to their children and grandchildren.
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